I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just want to make out with him forever
Randomize
