i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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