I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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