6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
