Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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