Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
