I wanna bring you to show and tell
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
