I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
