if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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