First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
