God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She told me I should be a condom model.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
