just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
