Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
