Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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