I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Shame - the story of my life.
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