Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize