I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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