we have pet lesbian snakes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
