Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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