we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
