It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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