I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
