Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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