She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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