We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
