i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
