he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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