i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
