Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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