Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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