when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
