Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
