so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
This baby is an asshole
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
