don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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