Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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