Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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