Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
