kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
