i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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