I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
