I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
