2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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