Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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