I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
