So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
