I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
