I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize