If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
