Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
