conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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