i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize