Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
