The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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