i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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