Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
