4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I looked at my own cervix.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
