i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
