my mouth tastes like poor choices
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
