It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
