Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize