i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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