Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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