The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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