that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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