M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Two words: blizzard sex
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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