I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize