god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
