the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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