I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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