Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
only if we run a train.
done.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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