I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize