The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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