her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
