no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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